According to a study published in the "Archives of Sexual Behavior", we think about sex 18.6 times per day. For the amount of bandwidth sex takes in our minds, most of us have never considered setting sexual goals. Okay, maybe the first time you got to each base, you goaled your way there. But we tend to have a laissez-faire attitude about sex as adults in committed relationships. We treat day-to-day sex as if it’s something that just happens (or doesn’t), and we treat our sexual bucket list as something that only happens if the skies part and god herself grants you one wish. I’m a big fan of goal setting, and if we’re being honest, sex is no different from any other arena of life in which we experience a gap between our present state and our desired state. Time and your behavior will evolve your sex life no matter what, the question is, in what direction? You can take the bull by the horns or leave it up to fate; to quote the wisdom of Rush, “…even if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice”.
To start creating sexual goals you have to decide what you want from your sex life. Weird question right? Let’s start with the easy stuff and work our way up. How often do you want to have regular sex with your partner? What do you want regular sex to include? How often do you want to try something new with your partner? How often do you want to do ‘that special thing’ with your partner? How often do you want to have sex with someone other than your partner? What are your bucket list fantasies? If you’ve answered all these questions we now have a pretty good idea of the future sex life you want!
Time for the next step: according to the work of organizational psychologist Dr. Benjamin Hardy ( I told you I like goal setting!), one of the most effective ways we can influence our future is by envisioning our future selves in detail, “the more vivid and detailed your future self, the faster you’ll progress”. Okay let’s imagine our future selves in detail- these very sexually satisfied versions of ourselves, let’s say, six months from now. What are we like? What are we wearing? What stories do we have to tell about sex? What is our partnership like? How have we changed? What would future, sexually satisfied you want present you to know? Write it down like a letter from you in the future you to you in the present. Here’s a my sample:
Dear Alisa,
I have good news! Your sex life is absolutely rockin now. You did a lot of hard work to get here, and it’s definitely worth it. You got the sense of sexiness and flirtatiousness back that you lost in the pandemic! You feel desire and you feel desirable. You’re starting your day with sex almost every day. You just did a D/s scene with your partner last week and it was really fun for both of you. It brought you closer. Speaking of which your relationship is more emotionally intimate now. You two confide in each other and feel supported. Thank you for making your life better by engaging with this goal.
Sincerely,
Future Alisa, February 2024
Alright, it’s cheesy. But it helps! We’ve been to the mountaintop! We’ve envisioned our bedrockin’ boot knockin’ future and we love it! Now what? Now it’s time to figure out the steps between our present sex life and our future sex life and turn them into goals. We’ll use the goal in my letter of daily sex as an example. So what are the steps between your current frequency and daily sex?
Thank you for reading! To read the rest please go to our substack at https://trysexual.substack.com/p/the-future-of-your-sex-life
